Ways to Annoy Death Eaters
by SilverRose130
Summary: How do you annoy Voldemort and his gang of meddling kids... I mean Death Eaters? Well, try this!
1. Chapter 1

I will not call him Voldymort. Even if front of his followers. ESPECIALLY in front of his followers.

I will not ask him every five minutes why he has no ears.

Buying him a wig for Christmas if frowned upon.

I am not to shine a flashlight on him and scream, "HE SPARKLES!".

Voldemort is not a Cullen and I am to stop writing it as his last name on important papers.

No matter how good of an Australian accent I can do, I cannot follow him around and say, "That there is a Voldymort, the most homicidal wizard in the world. One spell and I'm DEAD!….. I'm gonna poke him with a stick!" (Thank you Gabriel Iglesias!)

If I poke him with a stick one more time, I will be killed.

I will not use Polyjuice potion and turn Peter Pettigrew into Harry Potter.

I will also not change Bellatrix into Lily Potter, just to have Snape molest her.

I am not allowed near Polyjuice potion, period.

Asking if he is "still depressed over the whole abandoned to an orphanage by your father after your mom died" thing is deeply frowned upon.

I am not allowed to draw a lightning bolt scar on his forehead…. No matter how funny his reaction is….

I will not get a picture of his mom (ya know, the kind of picture that talks and moves) and have it scold him for being a bad boy. Or do this at a death eater gathering.

I cannot spread rumors that he is the result of plastic surgery gone horribly wrong.

I will not tell Bellatrix that Voldemort now has an obsession with princess dolls. I will not laugh when his room is filled with said dolls and he must wade through them.

Every time he smiles, I am not to fall to my knees and sob, "ANOTHER PUPPY JUST DIED!"

I cannot Imperius his Death Eaters into Christmas carolers and have them sing "We are Santa's Elves".

Using the Dark Mark to summon all death eaters to announce that you've lost your new puppy is not allowed.

I am not allowed to dye his clothes pink with sparkles.

I am also not allowed to transfigure his clothes into pimp clothes.

I cannot ask him constantly for my salary because I work for him.

For my own safety, I will NEVER EVER claim that I have the Elder Wand and that I'll give it to him if he says "pretty please with a cherry on top", for I will be killed.

I cannot see ghosts and I will not claim that Dumbledore is haunting him.

I will not copy Snape and shout, "100 POINTS FROM VOLDEMORT!" whenever his plans go wrong.

Voldemort does not want to remind me that he looked like a baby before he was dropped into the cauldron.

I also will not claim that he was supposed to become "Voldyrat stew".

I am not allowed to call him, "the-man-who-let-the-boy-live".

Playing knock&run when he's sleeping isn't funny and I will stop.

Asking if he even sleeps is frowned upon.

If I tell him to "think happy thoughts" one more time he will kill me.

Voldemort is not Santa and he does not want me to sit on his lap and scream for presents.

Clinging to his legs and screaming cannot make him take me to the new Harry Potter World in Universal Studios.

His baby pictures might, though.

Asking him why he has a snake fetish is frowned upon.

Introducing him to Mrs. Black will result in a screaming match, and I am not to do this for my own amusement.

Voldemort does not drink 'flaming shots' so I will not leave them in his room.

Pouring said flaming shots all over him is also forbidden.

Telling Bella that Voldemort is gay will result in a suicide. Who's suicide is still up for debate.

Forcing Peter to run on a mouse wheel is not 'your brand-new exercise program'.

Selling maps to Voldemort's hideout is not allowed.


	2. Chapter 2

When doing laundry, putting Bella into the washing machine is not a 'Saturday Night Bath'.

Putting Bella in the dryer for a few minutes is not 'a way to dry her hair faster'.

I will not call Bellatrix Bella.

I will also not call Voldemort Edward. Regardless of how much Bella backs me up.

Using the washing machine and dryer on fellow members is not a way to get what you want.

It is also not a torture method.

"Blinding people with science' does not mean I can cause bright explosions next to Snape's face in hope that he will go blind.

Using Imperius to make Lucius go streaking through the base is not allowed.

Claming that Lucius beats Draco with his 'pimp cane' is also frowned upon. No matter how true it is.

Greyback does not appreciate being hit by anything made of silver that I can get my hands on. Regardless of how much I hate him.

Giving out the address of the headquarters to telemarketers and online is forbidden.

Ordering Voldemort a Pillow Pet is not 'a way to make up for his dead snake'.

Giving Snape halogen-inspiring drugs is not recommended, as EVERYONE looks like Lily to him when he is on them.

Creating a bonfire and dancing around it is not permitted. ESPECIALLY if said bonfire is in the headquarters' living room.

Burning fellow death eaters at the stake is not celebrating wizard and witch history. Especially considering it will NEVER WORK.

Finding a way to actually burn death eaters at the stake just means I will have more work to do.

Tying death eaters to rocks and dropping them in the lake is cruel.

Saying "Whoops, my bad, looks like he wasn't a witch. At least his soul was clean!" when they don't come back up is not an excuse.

Building a guillotine by the complaints box is not funny. No matter how much I laugh.

I am to stop reading history books for ideas to make fellow death eaters miserable.

If I EVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, bring in fangirls, I WILL be killed on the spot.

Drawing lightning bolt scars on everyone will get me killed.

Drawing glasses on everybody will get me killed too.

Throwing birthday parties in annoyingly cute themes are frowned upon.

Potions are made with dangerous ingredients. Creating sweets with said ingredients and handing them out to fellow death eaters is banned.

Hosing Snape down and throwing shampoo bottles at him will just lower his already-low self-esteem.


End file.
